The big day is upon us: Valentine’s Day! Valentine’s Day is probably the ONLY holiday that excludes about half of the population. One side revels in relationship bliss while the other side is made acutely aware that he/she is indeed SINGLE and ALONE. Besides the fact that this holiday makes a good majority of us feel like shiet, there is another reason that I dislike Valentine’s Day. It is a COMPLETE RIP OFF.

I remember when Valentine’s day used to be the day when we all got candy and cards from our classmates. Remember when we had to make a card for EVERYBODY in class? Even the creepy kid who never bathed and always got in trouble from the teacher. I used to CHERISH those days. We’d all make our Valentine’s mailboxes out of construction paper and then go around and drop off our cards to all of them. Cute and innocent.

And that my friends has morphed into what Valentine’s Day is today. A day in which it doesn’t necessarily matter the thought but more how much MONEY we spend on our significant other (usually the guy spending money on the girl). This has become especially evident to me now that I have been living in LA for the past 15 years and have observed the sometimes shallow behavior of the women who reside here. It seems that the only thing that girls want nowadays is to be able to brag to their other girlfriends about what their bf/husband did for THEM on Valentine’s Day. Whether it be taking them to an UBER expensive restaurant or surprising them at work with a $200 bouquet of flowers (even better because their coworkers can now see how LOVED they are). Girls, don’t DENY it. I see all that shiet on Facebook…all these chicks uploading pics of a ridiculous vase of flowers sitting in their office cubicle. It really makes me sick-haha. And who’s fault is this? It’s the GUYS. Yes YOU, the douchebag reading this entry. Here’s a great example of what i mean:

And is this commercial exaggerating?  Hellz no!  These guys actually EXIST!  And then the girl gushes about what HE did for HER and then your box of chocolates from CVS doesn’t really look so great anymore does it?

Which brings me to Corporate America.  Studies have shown on average that prices INCREASE 60% for Valentine’s Day.  So you’re bleeding money for that $200 dinner, $100 dozen roses,  and $50 box of chocolates.  How outrageous!  And what’s worse is if you DON’T do this and shell out the cash, then everybody makes you feel like a:  1) big fat loser 2)  cheap bastard 3) horrible ogre who is never going to get laid.  What kind of society is this anyway?  Like seriously!

So instead of being a TOOL and falling into the clutches of social expectations and corporate American greed do this:

1)  Buy her a nice card and instead of just signing your name do take time to write something nice inside (i.e. you complete me, thanks for not dumping my loser ass, etc).

2)  Instead of getting her those played out roses, find out what her favorite flowers are and get those for her instead.  I bet they will be a helluva lot less expensive and she’ll give you sex points for being thoughtful.

3)  Make a simple dinner on Valentine’s night and then take her out to a nice dinner the next night.  Don’t fall victim to the lame “valentine’s dinner markup”.

4)  Go to RITUAL on Saturday night for the GO Productions party and hopefully your girl wins one of the $100 Victoria’s Secret gift cards being given away.  She’ll thank you later (wearing her new lingerie).

And if she’s NOT HAPPY with this then you must DUMP the hag ASAP.  I don’t care how hot she is or how good she is in the sack.  You will be a tool the rest of your life and be shitted on by her and her gf’s for being a “lousy bf” if you stay with her.  PLUS i will make fun of you every chance i get for being such a D BAG.  hee hee.

Lastly, shameless plug to come out and party with us on Valentine’s Night!