The female essentials for a night out on the Vegas town are relatively straightforward and simple: skimpy dress, drag queen false eyelashes, push up bra and hooker heels. It’s a veritable no-brainer. However, trickier to discern are the things that should be left behind. Below are some rookie mistakes to avoid:

• The Giant Handbag

If it’s big enough to hold your wallet, cell phone, keys, gum, makeup bag, cigarettes and a bottle of water, it’s way too big to be in the club. There’s a reason why purses and backpacks must be worn to front or hand carried at the National Gallery of Art in D.C; large, obtrusive objects filled with bulky crap is a menace in tight, crowded spaces. People get bumped and drinks get spilled all because one person with poor judgement decides to lug all her worldly possessions in a packed room that can probably be deemed as a fire hazard. But it’s always more than one person with poor judgement, and it’s usually some ostentatious designer bag confirming it’s intentional nature. Rule of thumb: if it’s large enough to fit a box of Cheez Its, it’s too big.

Let’s be honest…the only thing you really need is an ID and a credit card. No one will notice if you’ve just applied a fresh coat of lipgloss.

• Cheap Shoes

It never ceases to amaze me how often people make this critical mistake, you can tell who they are by the fact that they’re walking around shoeless, limping like overdressed zombies or vying desperately for a seat at a stranger’s table.

(By the way, I feel compelled to state that I would never wear the shoes in the photo. Ever. Cork belongs in wine bottles.)

By “cheap”, I don’t mean price wise; there are many a shoe company that will charge an outrageous amount for poorly constructed wares. Guess is a perfect example of providing style without substance, but basically if any component is comprised of “man-made materials”, you’re going to be shit out of luck. The plastic (or cork) sole isn’t exactly built to absorb impact for comfort, and faux leather PVC just cuts into skin like rope burn. Combine that with hours of standing / walking / dancing activity and you’re looking at a world of pain. That is, unless you’ve become so accustomed to the abuse of cheap shoes that extensive callouses have developed and by now you’re completely immune and haven’t felt your feet for years…but otherwise invest in a great pair of killer heels of substantive quality.  Aldo does a great job of balancing reasonable prices, attractive styles and wearability.

• Wads of Cash

Clubs = Drinking.
Drinking = Getting Drunk
Drunk Gambling = Very Bad

I know I’m not the only one who has ever stumbled out of a club after a night of prolonged drinking to think it was a genius idea to throw a $100 bill into the nickel slots and max bet all gazillion lines to equal about $50 a spin. Or that splitting 10′s is really the secret behind ultimate blackjack success.

Since slot machines and gaming tables don’t accept Visa, the less cash you carry, the safer you will be.

• The Boyfriend (or, Boy Friend)

Boys in the group, in general, are detrimental to the general Vegas club experience: The stint in line becomes longer and if you’ve violated point #2, you can kiss the prospect of sitting down at a random table goodbye. They also greedily suck down all the booze if you share bottle service and no one will offer to buy you another drink since you’ve effectively put the nail in your own cock-block coffin. But most importantly, why the boyfriend should stay home is simply because he doesn’t deserve to go with you to Vegas. Not after he agreed to pick you up after class but fell asleep and managed to ignore all 26 phone calls. TWENTY SIX. I’m still thinking of a way to punish him.

Viva Las Vegas!