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Cold Turkey Belongs in Sandwiches

1 September 2009 No Comment

Last week, I was starting to feel the familiar violent stab of ulcer pain, indicating that one of the following must go:

1.) Coffee

2.) Cigarettes

3.) Sriracha

4.) Alcohol

You can see I’ve ordered them by level of importance.

Now, coffee is a critical staple not to be considered for elimination. I need to get healthy, not fired. Not only am I a complete zombie without it (and not even the fun Left 4 Dead kind with spry reflexes and killer ambition), I am quite literally a useless unproductive slob without it.

Plus coffee only does this

And not this:

I decided to be kind and upload one of the prettier photos I found. That’s right. THIS is the pretty one.

Smoking is one of those terrible things you wonder how the heck you even got started on in the first place. Kind of like watching bad VH1 reality shows. You would never miss it if you didn’t get hooked, but now that you are, it’s going to be a rough, bumpy road back to the likes of PBS and BBC.

It must be one of those “I’m so rebellious and badass. I don’t care about anything…NOT EVEN MY HEALTH! *puff puff*” complexes.

Being a smoker racks up obscene costs from frequent car washes and dry cleaning bills. The little ash particles you flick out your window just flutters right back in and gets everywhere. It’s like the car interior houses a mini Vesuvius that needs to blow it’s load once a week. (Get your mind out of the gutter.) I go through a bottle of Quelques Fleur perfume every 2 months or so trying to compulsively cover the stench of stale smoke on my hair and clothes. Febreze Vanilla Lavender Air Effects permanently occupies a cup holder slot in the car. And how can I forget my perpetual teeth sensitivity inherited after the Zoom whitening procedure (every hot / cold, food / beverage is an annoying reminder!) and I haven’t even gotten started on the adverse health effects like CANCER and IMMINENT DEATH.

The upkeep is freaking exhausting.

But despite all of this and having quit cold turkey, I am now a raging maniac and WOULD KILL FOR A CIGARETTE. It sucks that I’ll probably carry this feeling for the rest of my very long, very smokeless life.  To make things worse, discipline isn’t exactly one of my strong suits  (which is precisely why I’ve been a smoker all these years with a fat ass and a drinking and gambling problem. Just kidding. I mean, I only really gamble in Vegas.)

I should’ve just gotten the patch.

PS. Seriously though people, don’t smoke. It’s a terrible, costly habit that gives absolutely zero gratification and will (may include but is not limited to) make you :

get nasty and wrinkly, need to have gum AT ALL TIMES, have a dingy smile, smell like a crappy Vegas casino, look like a trashy AZN, develop tumors and die.

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