I’ve always been terrified of getting older, and now that I’m officially in my late 20’s, it’s time to admit I no longer have the advantage of youth. Perhaps it was a subconscious awareness early on that the perpetual boozing and smoking would eventually take a wrathful toll all over my face in the form of fine lines and deep wrinkles, which has successfully fostered a frantic buying habit of every “Better than Botox” marketing scheme in a bottle. “Aging gracefully” is a luxury reserved for the genetically privileged and that’s exactly why God invented face creams for the rest of us.

—

Strivectin

Truth be told, it’s mildly stinky. It smells like Chinese herbal medicine with a hint of minty toothpaste in a poo brown formula. Ok, maybe it’s not that bad. It’s more of a poo tan. But visual and olfactory senses aside, this stuff is like crack for skin. It’s creamy and silky, with a slight tingle after application to really let you know that it’s working by burning off some layers of tissue. Although skimpy on the moisture (for people with severely dry skin), an extra coating of drugstore cream should keep you clear from a bad case of the flakies. $135 gets you a giant 6oz. tube that lasts for virtually forever and is just the right amount to efficiently hook you in for life.

—

Olay Pro X Starter Kit

The commercials really piqued my interest: Results guaranteed in 28 days or your money back? Sounds easy enough. What’s a lot easier is to save your $60 and not even buy it to begin with. 33 days in and I’m slathering on Strivectin like a mud mask for damage control. I hate being suckered in with cleverly angled marketing ploys, but since it happens all too often, I’m used to it by now.

—

Dior Capture R60/80 XP Ultimate Wrinkle Restoring Creme

Pro: Smells great. Con: I can practically see the wrinkles crease into my skin right before my very eyes. I have one wrinkle when I smile on the left side of my cheek that I monitor with extremely close attention. Although my dry skin was smooth as a baby’s bottom, I think my wrinkle actually got worse. This is exactly why you can’t trust your livelihood looks to a brand better known for killer shoes.

—

Avon Anew Ultimate Gold Emulsion

The night cream is incredibly moisturizing without a heavy, oily residue and for the price, it’s pretty darn impressive. The day cream, on the other hand, leaves my face looking like a greasy teenager who hasn’t yet discovered the benefits of matte powder. I’m literally a shiny, happy person. It tingles, it soothes, it….burns? Curiously strong like an Altoid (although I do have sensitive skin). Yes, I can’t believe it myself that I condescended to buy Avon, one of these days I’m really going to have to learn how to say “no” to coworkers peddling crap I don’t need. Which should be easy enough, seeing how I no longer have coworkers.

—

Dr. Brandt Time Arrest

There’s nothing quite as believable as some random MD slinging skin care products. Hauschka, Murad, Perricone…will you sell me shampoo next? Unfortunately, I broke out with this one. Lots of potential (much like Murad’s Lighten and Brighten Eye Treatment with hydroquinone that was the SHIT ), but unfortunately I developed a hideous rash after a few days so discontinued use was in order. Tsk, tsk, doctors. Although who knows, maybe someone else with kevlar skin may have better luck with these awesome potent products.

—

It’s never too early to start deterring gravity from its inevitable course, you can’t rely on those Asian genetics forever!