From thisiswhyyourefat.com, the above monstrosity is described as :

Meta Meat Cake

(submitted by Mason Von Rouge)

What. The. Holy. Heart Attack.

I’m not sure what’s more disturbing. The fact that it’s possible every edible piece of dead cow and oinkers were utilized in making this abomination….or the fact that a slice is missing. What’s interesting to note is the absense of any kind of fowl. Perhaps this is a bit of FOWL….I mean…foul play? ….aah haa haa haa!!! God, I’m so corny.

That means someone either attempted to eat a piece before falling over from a massive MI (myocardial infarction aka Heart Attack) or they simply removed a slice to show you the innards of this baked piece of utter depravity.

I don’t know. I just know that I felt like throwing up a little in my mouth when reading all the kinds of meats used in this thing. Does no one else think this is remotely disgusting? I love meat. When I had to give up all forms of dead carcass flesh for 49 days in 2008 and 2009 because my grandparents passed away, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I even dreamed about eating meat. The dreams were so real, I’d wake up in a panic because I couldn’t figure out if I really ate flesh or not.

Yeah. I didn’t sleep too well during those two stretches of 49 days. My figure, on the other hand, ROCKED like no other and my lazy ass never once hit the gym. YES!! THAT’S AWESOME!! * fist pump *

However…I’d think about giving the concoction below known as The Luther Burger a little nibble…possibly…

After running around town last weekend helping my sister find pebbles, red ribbon and mirrors to properly feng shui her office according to a $300/hr consult,  I decided some research on this new age bullshit ancient practice was in order.

Somehow, it seemed wrong to be taking advice on tradionational Chinese disciplines from a white lady in Palm Beach, FL on a Youtube video.

Thus far, I have learned that to optimize the energy (chi) flow throughout the home, a bagua (or 8 Regions) map is needed to identify each power center in relation to different aspects of every day life:

Sounds easy enough. I can totally be a high level feng shui master.

Step 1: Drafted a (crude) diagram of my main floor.  Turns out, each floor needs to be individually mapped out. What a huge pain the ass.

And by LIKE, I mean LIFE.  Too lazy to revise. Obviously, my “Life Mission” sector needs some sprucing up.

Step 2: Align bagua blueprint to home floorplan. A little spray paint here, a little there….

Look at that: My prosperity center is in the crapper! Wow, maybe this stuff really is true.

So I see this via MissCG’s Twitter.

Could Comic-Con Move To Anaheim?

Yup. PRESS. Dude, weird how that one little world opens so many doors.
Just like magic!

Hm….wow….that would be interesting. Anaheim’s already pretty used to people dressing up in costumes all day long singing stuff like “A WHOOOOLE NEEEWWWW WOOOORRRLLLLD” so what’s a few more people dressed up but in Storm Trooper gear or random anime like girls? I’m sure they’d fit right in in either Future Land or It’s A Small World.

Day One at my first ever Comic Con. It was stupendous.
My world was rocked. I had a massive headache.
That skirt is impossible to sit down in.

I went to Comic-Con last year a con-virgin and had my mind blown. I’ve never been so tired but I think it was because I was either dressed like a Japanese schoolgirl running like a maniac between press room to press room interviewing Tim Burton to the cast of Fringe / The Big Bang Theory / Joss Whedon. That was hard. So was dressing up as a more modest geisha in a full on summer yukata.

Dude. I’m totally down for Comic Con to move to Anaheim. I don’t know about Las Vegas though….I’m not sure how much fun that would be. Can you imagine Yoda hung over and drunk in the corner somewhere? Or seeing a Storm Trooper crash into some crazy display of the next insane movie coming out?

OooOOoh…what a big gun you got there, mister.

I don’t know about Vegas. That sounds like a disaster in the making. I know because I’ve been to Vegas for some nursing conventions before and let me tell you….it was not a pretty sight. I barely made it to anything and even when I was there, I wasn’t exactly there there.

As for Los Angeles putting in a bid….I don’t see it unless you’re somewhere close by Universal Studios or something….but even then, I still don’t think it’s as much fun as Disneyland. Seriously. Universal Studios versus friggin’ DISNEYLAND?! No way. There’s no competition between the two. Well, not to me at least.

Having drinks with Ray Park/Darth Maul after Comic Con closed for the night.
I think this was my 4th scotch and his…I dunno. We got hammered. Hilarious good time.
He’s so funny! I had a great time hanging out with him those two nights.
I even learned a thing or two about the peace sign and Spotted Dick.
The dish, you freaks. You know. That thing they eat in England.

My vote’s for Anaheim. Think of all the fun to be had AFTER the Con is closed for the day?! Dude, you’re right next to the Happiest Place On Earth!!!

What’s not to like?!

So I ended up going to the ER. Wow, who knew so many of you guys are awake during those hours? I, in my infinite wisdom as the Supreme Commander and Ultimate Destroyer, decided to put on FB/Twitter blast that I was thinking about going to the ER but with the slight problem of not being able to make it there safely.

Safety first, people. That’s right. I’ve mellowed out and become more responsible. I’m happy to announce that I now tend to think first before jumping head first into whatever I thought seemed like a good idea.

Anyway, MinnieMouse came to my rescue after KimmiChi threatened me aaaaaall the way from the Bay Area to kick my ass into the ER.

I know what you’re thinking. I should’ve called Clyde.

So here’s my thing. ….I’m not used to counting on people to be there for me nor am I used to asking for help. Weird, huh? I also don’t want to bother people when I know they’re sleeping. Call it learning it the hard way before….but you’d think I would’ve learned another lesson from that….ugh…anyways.

So I let Clyde know where I was going via text because I didn’t think it would wake him up. So wrong. He immediately was like “ARRGGHH!!! GO TO THE ER!! WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME?! DO YOU NEED ME TO TAKE YOU? WHO’S TAKING YOU? STOP BEING SO STUBBORN!”

Aaaggghh…okay okay…..

But he was right. Luckily for me, he thinks I’m cute AND stubborn. Sweet! Hopefully that means he can’t stay annoyed and/or mad at me for too long. …ahahaha… 0=)

So MinnieMouse comes over like a friggin ANGEL because she found out before Clyde did that I was incapable of taking care of myself. By the time Clyde found out from me, she was already on her way.

So here’s where the adventure part comes in. MinnieMouse and I have no sense of direction. GPS was invented with people like us in mind. I’m so bad with directions I tell everyone that wherever I’m facing is always North because I figure I’ll be right 25% of the time if you factor out diagonals, up and down directions.

Yeah, I know that’s still failing but whatever.

Anyway, the freeway we needed to get on was closed. That means we had to highway hopscotch all over the damn place. We got lost getting off the freeway and had no idea where to get back on. Once we got BACK on the 5 south, we didn’t know the fork going 10 east was like….RIGHT.THERE!

Needless to say, we missed it again which means we had to circle the ghettos aaaaaall over again. What’s sad was that I had my GPS out and cancelled it because I knew where we were going. So fail. We went from Ktown to Glendale to Dodger Stadium BACK to Glendale to Boyle Heights and theeeeeen we finally made it to Alhambra.

All in all, a trip that should’ve taken us ONE freeway and less than 15 minutes took us on a bunch of freeways and about 30 minutest because none of us knew where we were going.

The saddest part of all? My hospital is in the area I lived in for 10 years…and I still got lost. Wtf… Know what else I learned? I cannot handle narcotics. They gave me Vicodin in the ER and I was hiiiiiiiiiggggghhhh. Holy crap, I cannot handle drugs.

MinnieMouse was laughing at me the whole way home. I have no idea what I was talking about and I kept commenting that I couldn’t feel…well…anything. Then I got home and I threw up.

It was an awesome night.

12:21 a.m.

It’s been almost 20 minutes since my last entry.

I am now convinced there’s a herd of elephants who live upstairs. I am also very sure they are all wrestling right now. At least, that’s what it sounds like down here.

Holy crap…

Here’s another weird observation. Why the hell does my insomnia kick in when the boyfriend is not here? I’m beginning to think he’s like a natural sedative that I’m not sharing with the world. I don’t care if the Care Bears say “sharing is caring”. Right now, I’m not in the mood and besides…they never specified that I had to share EVERYTHING. Take THAT, Care Bears!

Jeezus, I think I’m delirious. This weird combo of super strength meds, getting my ass kicked in Pilates, Pizza Hut’s supreme pizza with spicy BBQ wings and kidney pain is not doing me any favors.

12:24 a.m.

I think the neighbors next to me are either rocking out to some weird pr0n with equally strange 1970’s bow-chika-bow-wow muzac….or they’re playing some first person shooting game. I can’t tell.

Wouldn’t it be weird if that was the premise to a game? You could be all Shaft’d out while pumping some lame pimp full of hot lead loving. Extra points for running away in platforms featuring edible goldfish crackers instead of real goldfish. That’s thinking smart because now instead of having PETA all up on your ass, you have a snack to go when you’re on the run because you’re breaking the law, BREAKING THE LAW!! * cue Beavis and Butthead *

Omg…what the hell am I talking about…

12:27 a.m.

No sounds from the Elephant Herd upstairs. Yes, that’s what I’m calling my upstairs neighbors for the rest of my year long lease at this place. I’m hoping they finally decided to give that thing called SLEEP a test drive. Oh, God….let me be that lucky tonight.

As for the ones next door, I heard drums. Maybe they’re playing Rock Band or something. Ooh….if they are, I wanna play!!! Wait…I hear Korean TV. CRAP!! Fail!

12:53 a.m.

I managed to fall asleep for a blessed 20 minutes before Herd Of Elephants brought me crashing out of it. I think they either dropped the dining room table…or someone fell on their ass. I haven’t figured it out yet.

You don’t understand what a tremendous feat that is. Let me give you a hint. I sleep through hurricanes, earthquakes and basically all known natural disasters that have been thrown my way. This includes crazy snoring of boyfriends past. Talk about bringing the roof down…

I sleep through everything. It is near impossible to wake me up. They woke me up. I’m actually very impressed. And now I’m awake again. This is not fantastic.

1:04 a.m.

Throwing up sucks. …wait…crap…need to find out half life of meds and whether or not this counts as one dose.

I’m never mixing pizza, hot wings, bitter melon, miso marinated fish and some tofu dish thing all together with a chaser of antibiotics ever again. E-V-A-R.

Let this all be a lesson for you people reading this.

Uuuggghhh….

Riddle me this, Batman.

Maybe I am in a crappy mood because it’s almost midnight, I’m tired, my neighbors have all decided to collectively smoke some crack because they’re busy nailing stuff into the walls as they blast their TVs on at full volume . Meanwhile, the one upstairs is clomping around in wooden clogs or shoes fashioned out of metal while, by the sound of it, is also rearranging their entire apartment.

I’m also feeling like someone punched me in both kidneys and all this makes Bonnie into a walking talking nightmare to behold. Actually, that’s an entirely inaccurate statement because I actually physically appear very calm and the complete antithesis to Angry-And-Annoyed. I so totally rock. Talk about POOOOOKER FAAAACE!!! Lady GaGa doesn’t have sh!t on me right now with the whole pooooker face thing.

…I don’t even know if any of what I just wrote made any sense but I’m hurting just a wee bit too much to properly give a flying crap.

If it weren’t for the fact that I’m on the kind of antibiotics people were stockpiling during the anthrax scare a few years back, I’d be enjoying a nice glass of….something with alcohol in it. Alas, since I want to keep whatever’s left of the liver I do have AND I do not want to add insult to injury on my poor kidney beans (I’m responsible. Uh huh, yessiree, I sure am), I’m sipping on water and wishing it were something else.

So here’s the burninating question that randomly wandered through my mind. Anyone remember when cartoons would have those public service announcements at the end of the show? You know. Like how to not be a bully? How to not talk to strangers? Only you can prevent forest fires?

G.I. Joe would end theirs with “…and knowing is half the battle.”

Well, what’s the other half? If knowing can only take you half way, then what’s the closer to this deal? Taking action? Not taking action? Sit on the fence till the cows come home? WHAT?!

I KNOW my neighbors are awake during retarded hours of the night. I KNOW they like to do minor home improvements that involve power drills, nails and hammers when most sane people are asleep. So now that I know all this, what exactly am I supposed to do this information? Start pounding back on the wall?

I could understand if they’re having crazy hot monkey sex and that’s the source of all the commotion. I’m not a hater because that’s something I can actually wrap my head around. But hanging pictures and shelves at midnight? Repositioning all your heavy furniture because you got sick of the old layout at 2 in the morning? Unless this is part of your “Hey, baybee, I’m your handyman come to fulfill your naughty dirty fantasy” and you’re REALLY getting into character, then sorry. I don’t quite get it.

* sigh *

Maybe I should just sleep on the couch today. It’s usually pretty quiet out there. I am so thankful I threw a fit and got the couch I wanted despite my mom trying to talk me into buying another one with my money. I love my mom.

On that note, I’m dragging myself out of bed and onto my couch. I’m planning on watching either really funny or really messed up.

Uuggghh……

Clyde and I had a date night on Saturday. This means we actually had something planned besides him coming over and spending time with me. We usually end up watching a bunch of random movies and going to try new places that Yelp app on his iPhone suggests.

Dammit, why can’t the BlackBerry have cool crap like that?! Don’t get me wrong, there’s apps and stuff for BB but they’re just not as cool as the ones Clyde has! He lets me know too in a very slick and sly way.

Clyde : Baby, look at this cool app I just got!
Me : ooOOOoohhHH!! I WANNA SEE!!!
Clyde : Look! * pulls up app and I immediately start wishing my BB could do the same *
Me : ….. * sigh * ….

I’m not jealous…yeah, right. I totally am!! I am especially loving the weird bar code scanning thing he can do. I start turning a weird Hulktress shade of mutant green whenever he’s randomly grabbing stuff in my apartment to scan. The lovely freak shade of green I’m turning only intensifies when I can hear him lord it over me.

Clyde : Baby!! Guess what?! I found it on my app!! This is so cool!
Me : …that’s great, honey…. * lonely sad tear drop slides down my emo-fied cheek *

That’s right. I’m beginning to wish I had an iPhone because I want to play crazy cool stuff on it. Never thought I’d say that. I wonder when they’re gonna breed the iPhone with the BlackBerry? THAT would be an insane phone. I’d totally get one!

So back to date nights with Clyde. We normally go watch a movie after we go eat somewhere. This past week, we decided to watch “The Wolfman”. He knows me well enough by now to know that scary movies and I do not mix. I freak the fugg out. He was trying to talk me out of the movie because he didn’t want to see me scared (this is why I adore this man) but in my infinitely finite wisdom, I really wanted to see it!

He was right. I freaked out but for the wrong reasons.

I have to say that I am very proud of myself. I managed not to throw the contents of my box of Raisinets into the air nor did I shriek that like one lady sitting somewhere to my left. I’m still patting myself on the back.

Clyde, however, did not escape unscathed from the movies. I’m wondering if his left thigh still bears imprints of my nails from when I had a death grip on him. I so rock.

My poor boyfriend.

I’ve been so preoccupied with my new Valentine’s Day present:

(yeah, I know, it takes relatively little to make me happy!)

I’ve pretty much crawled into a hole with me wireless controller and headset. So my weekly post this Thursday is pretty sad.

Next week will be better, I promise!

Oh, and LA STREET FOOD FEST was a freaking nightmare. Even without waiting for entrance with my presale tix, the lines for food were completely insane. 2 hours for freaking grilled cheese sandwiches and chili cheese fries? No thanks. I had 2 cocktails, 3 beers and called it a day. Pass on Round 2 in the Spring.

The one silver lining; Phamish Vietnamese Home Cooking Truck.

* courtesy of collider.com *

I watched the full trailer at YouBentMyWookie.

To be honest, I liked what I see because it has potential. I think Ba Gua is a lovely form (I’d love to learn and practice it) and I like the general storyline. I still want to see this movie when it comes out despite all the controversy that surrounded it last year. Oooh, boy….

What I don’t like is how it’s shaping up to be an interpretation of the original series. Really?! Star Wars is one of your favorite movies, Mr. Shyamalan? Wow….that makes you one of out like…a gazillion others just like you. Real original.

Here’s an idea. Why not just STICK with the original story instead of taking something and bastardizing it? Yes, as you can tell, I never got over my rage over what they did to the X-Men franchise when they slapped it on the silver screen. Ugh.

I hope for his sake that it lives up to the hype because M. Night’s been pretty friggin’ disappointing in all his movies besides “The Sixth Sense”.

I will be here on this Saturday in a loose top and stretchy pants:

Organized by ex Yelp LA Community Manager Shawna Dawson and designer at large Sonja Rasula, these lovely ladies have created a event that’s genius in it’s simplicity: Corral all the scrumptious wandering food trucks in LA to one central location for a day of overwhelming foodie indulgence. Seriously, has anyone ever tried to follow a roving food truck’s schedule? It’s exhausting. But for once, they are all coming to you!

For a measly $5, participants will be treated to over 30 different mobile menus ranging from gourmet (foie gras, anyone?) to street (let’s not forget about the tacos!) to dessert (I thought an ice cream sandwich truck existed only in my dreams).  For our consideration, special sampler-size portions will be prepared for this event to ensure maximum tasting enjoyment, priced at a reasonable $1-5 .  Now,  I luckily don’t have to worry about my physical capability to consume 30 burgers, although 30 sliders may be just as tricky of a feat to accomplish. Perhaps I should bypass the stretchy pants altogether and opt for a flowy dress.

The day rounds out its corners with local art / designer vendors, a DYI Valentine craft station, an Oh Snap photobooth, and (most importantly) BOOZE,  so you won’t be just sitting around stuffing your face all day. All in all, it sounds like a festival of epic proportions not be missed!

Visit their official website here for more details. Really, check out the website, the food photography from the vendor links will make you swoon with unbridled pleasure!  Or…maybe it was just me.