I found this on my windshield:

I didn’t even notice it until I was almost out of the parking lot.

Now, I know what you’re thinking, it’s just a grasshopper. But that’s where you’re wrong.

See, the picture doesn’t do it justice because let me tell you, the sucker was HUGE.  Like 6 inches in length (I know because I keep a ruler in the car and measured it), and it was kind of just angrily staring me down. This photo practically represents ACTUAL SIZE, really as if my camera phone had a zoom function.  (Well, ok it does, but it’s not like I USED IT.)

Of course, I’m thinking I’ve got to get rid of the thing asap and like an idiot I turn on my windshield wipers and ….rocket launch the killer hellhopper towards my open driver side window. I think it was pretty pissed.

Long story short, thank goodness I emerged from the battle victorious without any collateral damage.  I HATE BUGS.

When did “fob” become a racial epithet?! Or has it always been, and I just never got the memo?

Although I’m not nearly deluded enough to regard “fob” as harmless, I do only categorize it as a Level 2 insult. Here’s the breakdown:

Level 1: easily blocked attack; ie. stupid, dumb, idiot

Level 2: visible vulnerability blow; ie. fat, ugly, *insert bad stereotype here*

Level 3: potty mouth melee punch; ie. asshole, fucker, bitch

Level 4: combo chain for double damage;ie. motherfucking piece of shit, stupid worthless dumbfuck , skanky hooker bitch

Level 5: armor piercing racial slur; see here: http://www.rsdb.org/, (please use responsibly).

The level of maturity I’ve managed to achieve all these years will never cease to amaze me.  The other day, I called someone a “fob” (hey, it wasn’t my fault I couldn’t understand a damn word he was saying!), and he proceeded to respond by calling me “gook”. As if “fob” and “gook” were equal in consequence, how do more people NOT know about my chart?!

Well first off, I’m a chink not a gook. It’s fairly obvious, I’m the most Chinese looking person I know, there’s practically a panda growing out of my shoulder. Get that shit straight.

Second, I do international sourcing so FOB really is just a shipping term that (loosely) means Free On Board from export origin.  Use it to refer to people (also loosely, we’re not talking about human trafficking here), and you’ve got a slang term apropos for immigrants. Now, is it really SO TERRIBLE to be called an immigrant?

Third, “fob” isn’t exclusive to Asians at all, the application of the word knows no bounds.  I’ve met plenty of Persian, Russian and Serbian fobs in this lifetime. “Fob” is actually a concept that is color blind and progressive, and we could sure use more of those traits in this modern society.

Also (in my defense) “fob” is not listed in the Wikipedia entry on “Racial Slurs”. Therefore I am right. Wikipedia is TRUTH. Or maybe I really am that deluded. Sad face.

Belonging to the well-oiled Yelp machine means one of two things:

1.) Users provide (voluntarily, how generous of us!) useful anecdotal bits on local businesses and restaurants packaged in an entertaining and witty snippet. This is purely in the theoretical sense, often times people (like me) fail at the task miserably.

2.) In return for their charity work, elite members receive invites to supremely awesome mixers that boast a variety of complimentary goodies (usually snacks and booze) at different venues. Sort of “thank you” for being such fat asses and then bragging about it online!

The Yelp Elite occasion this time around was particularly unique: to kick off the Grand Opening of Moo Dae Po II in Ktown, Brian Chong (owner of Moo Dae Po I & II, also the newly minted winner of the recent KBBQ cookoff) gifted a very generous offer to host an evening of gluttonous food and drink…entirely on the house!

That’s right. All-you-can -eat delectably marinated KBBQ meats. Did I mention it was bottomless pitchers of beer as well? It’s ok to be jealous.

Moo Dae Po II

Lining up like greedy cattle for some cheap (err..FREE) eats

Obligatory glowing remarks by Yelpers PLASTERED on the wall. Seriously, the letters were practically life-sized.

Kalbi (…galbi? galbee??) However it’s spelled, it was freaking delish!

Ample selection of banchan flowin’ heavy like the first day of…you know. Sorry, was that TMI?

The food was pretty much outstanding. In addition, valet parking ensures the shortest route between you and carnivore heaven.

Here’s the info for the restaurant:

Moo Dae Po II

3014 W. 7th St
Los Angeles, CA 90005

The market price for dinner is about $30, so put on some stretchy pants and enjoy!